Random Saturdays – Junk Mail Replies

I noticed recently that I had a bunch of unread messages in the bulk email folder.  I’ll be the first to admit that I am not always prompt about replying to emails, texts, or people standing in front of me (while that last bit is meant to be funny, it’s also, unfortunately, true.)  I decided that the most productive way to handle this would be a rapid-fire response to the bulk emails on my blog, based solely on the senders, subjects, and two-line previews.  Here we go!

Dear Proactiv,

I’m Asian.  My skin is flawless.

Thanks anyway,

Dear Canadian-Pharmacy,

You say that you will ship my meds “DESCRETELY”, but you haven’t figured out Caps Lock or spelling.  Please forgive me for not trusting you.

Je suis désolée,

Dear Pamela Anderson,


Yours truly,

Dear Credit Report Center,

I notice that there is no content in your message about my free credit score.  You’re ahead of the game.

Thank you ever so kindly,

P.S. — Is an empty credit score better than that of a homeless ghost/Nick Miller?

Dear SeniorPeopleMeet Dating,

I have forwarded your email on to my mom.

Keep on trucking,

Dear Angelina Jolie,

Your email looked alot like the one from Pamela Anderson.  I didn’t realize you were friends.  Is she your wet nurse?


Dear Vydox Male Enhancement,

Sure, I’ll try a free 14 day sample of your product.  To clarify, how much growth can I expect if I start with nothing?

Your friend,

Well, that was great!  I feel like I really accomplished something.  I’m going to go call my mom to find out if she’s given up Cougardom for good.  Happy Saturday, everyone!


2 thoughts on “Random Saturdays – Junk Mail Replies

  1. I’m the same way with telemarketers. I’ll answer their calls in one of these ways:

    1. “Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello!”

    2. “Tony’s Pizza. You place the order. We’ll eat it for you.”

    3. “Sorry, me no speakuh de engleesh”

    4. Answer normally then slowly talk softer until it’s a whisper.

    Yes, I’ve done these all, and yes, they do work!

    • Those are pretty good! I always mean to come up with fun ways to respond to telemarketers, but I’m usually so annoyed that I forget my plans. I had a friend who used to just set the phone down on a table and walk off ’til she heard the disconnected call noise.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s