On the way to work on Monday, I got into an argument with a guy while returning Redbox movies. He was mad at me because he thought I should have pulled into the parking lot further so that his truck wouldn’t stick out in the street. I was upset that he didn’t seem to care that I was waiting on a guy to finish walking in front of me. A little girl around the age of 10 or 12 was there to hear the whole argument, except for when she covered her ears, which was most of the time. I refrained from yelling, cussing, or personal attacks until the point where he called me an idiot after I walked away. I told him that he was an idiot and a jerk for being so inconsiderate to me, the guy crossing the street, and for doing all of this in front of his daughter. Then, he made a vulgar sexual gesture at me, right in front of this little girl, because that’s how you win an argument at a Redbox.
I was upset with him, but I was more disappointed in myself for letting him get to me. Why didn’t I take the high road? Just because I didn’t yell, cuss, and flail wildly doesn’t mean that I handled the situation well. I tried to calm down by thinking about how this incident wouldn’t matter 10 years from now, or even tomorrow. I thought about how aggressive that guy was driving before he even pulled up behind me in the parking lot, which might indicate that he’s just an angry and aggressive person anyway. He’ll have to go through life as a jerk and I’ll have to go through life as…
And that’s when the tears started.
I cried the rest of the 45 min drive to work before calming down just before getting out of the car and walking into the building. Within 15 min of sitting at my desk, I was in tears again. Thankfully, I wasn’t snot crying. It was just a steady stream of hopelessness and disappointment. I distracted myself with work and eventually stopped crying.
I kept reminding myself that the start of the 21-Day Meditation Challenge was that day. When I got home, I could meditate and really get some perspective, rather than just distracting myself enough to function for eight hours. When I signed up for the challenge, I really just meant to continue working on my own meditation practice. Ironically, this challenge’s focus is on relationships.
Because this is a Deepak Chopra challenge, I felt that I didn’t need to worry about it being 21 days of learning how to get a boyfriend/husband. Still, I am reluctant to tell people that I am participating, in case they think it’s some desperate hippy dippy attempt of mine to rope in a man. Also, there are some lines from a song called “1000 Times” on Sara Bareilles‘s new album that describe exactly what’s going through my muddled head about 50% of the time nowadays:
In another life I wouldn’t need to
Console myself as I resign to
When you relate most to those words in a song about an unrequited crush, then you probably shouldn’t sign up for a 21-day challenge to get a boyfriend. I already knew this, though. What I hoped to gain from the challenge was a more disciplined meditation practice and some perspective on how I interact with others.
I’m not a particularly kind or good person, not bad, but not kind or good. I don’t adequately express my love and gratitude for the people that I love most in the world. I live in my head so much, that it’s hard for me to remember that people can’t just sense how much they mean to me. I’m alone so much (and like it that way) that I forget that I have to speak to other people when we’re spending time together. I’m so grateful for the people in my life that I feel like my heart could burst at any moment and I weep when I think about it (as I am doing now while typing, so much crying today), so I don’t say anything because people don’t understand tears coupled with heart attacks is my way of saying, “I am immeasurably grateful to have you in my life!!!”
So, I was hoping that this meditation challenge could help me gain some insight into how better to deal with how much I love people vs. how difficult it is for me to be around people. Then, I had an argument with a stranger in front of his daughter. Apparently, I need to do this challenge because I need some clarity on my relationship with everyone in the entire world. I have always been an overachiever.