As I mentioned in a previous post, I signed up for the 21-Day Meditation Challenge this month. The RQ Babes always say that if you think that you are something, that you want something, that you can do something, etc., then The Universe will ask, “ARE YOU SURE?!”
After the Hay House World Summit in June, I got back into a regular meditation habit and was working on other spiritual endeavors. The high started to wear off about the time that moving stress took over me. During the moving stress, I began listening to Eat, Pray, Love again, in a brilliant effort to keep my spiritual learning momentum going. I LOVE Italy. I have never been, but I love it nonetheless. So, I listened to the first third of her book devouring her descriptions of her experiences in Italy in much the same manner as I have been known to devour Italian food. I knew that India was next, and even though I remembered being surprisingly delighted at that part of the book when I listened to it before, I still felt kinda like:
The Pray part of the book started about the same time that my meditation challenge began. I interpreted this as The Universe encouraging me to do the meditation challenge. Every morning, I’d get an email from Deepak Chopra and Oprah telling me what the meditation lesson would be. My schedule’s weird and so am I, so I would do the daily practice at night instead of at the start of my day.
Day 1 – The challenge started with, “I am open to the presence of miracles.” Cool, I would keep that in mind as I went through the day, and then I’d come home and do the lesson. Of course, that’s the day that I got into an argument with a stranger at a Redbox.
Day 2 – I had difficulty remembering the lesson. Something about being a soul? A good soul? That night, I read the email again. “I am a radiant spiritual being.” I had a good meditation that night, but still forgot the lesson the next day. Even typing this, I had to look at the email to remember what the lesson was. At the end of my work day, I got into an email argument with someone. Well, he argued. I gave up because I have such little respect for him that I don’t care. Except that I did care. I kept thinking about it and then had to remind myself that it doesn’t matter and he’s a jerk and nobody likes him and that’s really sad and though I wanted to say something to make him feel bad about himself, what I actually wanted was for him to get some perspective, calm down, become responsible, and learn to play nice with others because I am…an enlightened being? I didn’t even sit down to eat dinner until after 10 pm that night, so I didn’t do my meditation, not the formal Deepak/Oprah one, anyway. Maybe I’d double up the next day…
Days 3 & 4 – Doubled up on my meditations before I went to work. One was about me being a miracle of life and the other was something about loving myself in order to love others. I think we’re going into the self love and self esteem part of the meditations, and that’s always difficult for me. When I got to work, my boss asked how I was doing, knowing about the argument I had the night before because she spent the morning arguing with the guy, too. I replied, “I’m good. I’ve been meditating. I’m a damn miracle of life.” I kept trying to think about the meditation lesson during the day, but I was tired and distracted and didn’t really believe the words that I was telling myself anyway.
Days 5-7 – I only remember that they all included me having to love myself and the frustration of that, combined with my ongoing headache, led to me spending the weekend depressed and exhausted.
At this point, the meditation challenge isn’t going well. I’m going to keep at it; I only have two weeks to go. This self-esteem crap is something I haven’t had since I realized there was a world outside of my home and learned that that world didn’t like me very much. So, it stands to reason that self-esteem isn’t something that I could become Super Number One at having or practicing (or whatever the hell you do with self-esteem) in three weeks or less. I assume that you have to bust yourself up in order to put yourself back together again, kind of like what they do in the military, but with less physical activity and with even more crying. In that sense, I suppose it’s more like kindergarten or birthdays or Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. There is a strong military tradition on my dad’s side of the family and a long line of Harry Potter books on my side of the family. So, even if this meditation challenge doesn’t leave me relationally enlightened, I will have at least tried.