Random Saturdays – Junk Mail Replies #4

I’ve noticed recently that I’m getting less SPAM in my SPAM folder and more real emails in there.  Those of you with Gmail know what I mean, I’m sure.  Most of the stuff in there is stuff that should probably be in the “Promotions” tab of my inbox, but there are still some SPAMmy gems worthy of my time and attention.

Dear GOV.GODWIN EMEFELE.–

Imagine my excitement when I received your email regarding my cash trunk boxes value $8.3 million!  I’ve heard of Nigerian scams in the past, but you have allayed my fears with your reassurance that MR DAVID WALTER THE DIPLOMAT is waiting at an airport in Oregon for my call even though he doesn’t know what’s in the boxes.  I also appreciate your advice not to tell him what’s in the boxes when I call so that he won’t run away with my money.  Now, I know this email is legitimate.  I hope I can figure out how to spend all that money.

Soon to be rich,
–Angela

Dear Keeling–

I hope that I’m addressing you properly;  your email didn’t quite have a name on it.  You did get my attention with your offer – “Just a big discount!”  I love nothing more than a big discount!  You must also know that I don’t consider anything less than 75% off as clearance.  When you say, “Online sale up to 80% off!Wholesale prices.Looking forward to your visit!” it piques my interest.  However, I also wonder if your email provider charges more for spaces than it does letters and punctuation.  I don’t see spaces between any of your statements.  Then again, it could be that your marketing and/or advertising company charges you out the ear for spacing.  Hey, anything to keep operating costs down so you can pass the savings on to me, right?

S p a c e f u l l y  y o u r s ,
–Angela

Dear David Morgan–

I didn’t realize that applying for a loan was as easy as sending an email to Citi Financial Service’s Gmail account.  Below, I shall answer your questions to determine if I need your loan with an affordable interest rate of 3%.

Are you desperately in need of a loan?  Nope
Have you been denied of a loan from your bank or any institution?  Nope
Do you need financial assistance?  Don’t we all?
Do you need a loan to pay off your bills or buy a home?  Can you get a loan to pay off your student loan?  I do need a loan to buy a home.  Then there’s my car loan.  Ugh, too many loans.
Do you want to have a business of your own and you need a Loan for your financial demands?  Do you charge extra for Loans as opposed to loans?  What are “financial demands”?  Do you need a Loan for typing school so that you know when to hit Return/Enter at the end of a line?

Well, after taking that helpful quiz, looks like I don’t really need a loan afterall.

Better luck next time,
–Angela

Dear Match.com–

Thanks for adding me to your email list!  I like how you opened with, “Are you online?”  It really made me ponder things.  Am I online?  What is online?  Are any of us really online?  I don’t have time to look at photos of singles, what with all thing thinkin’ I’m doing.

Hmm,
–Angela

Dear Mesh  Consumer Injury Legal Center–

Thank you for trying to include me in your class action lawsuit, but (un)fortunately, I have not had complications with a mesh implant.  Furthermore, your tv commercials frighten the bejeebus outta me.  Seeing your name in my inbox brought on PTSD from your commercials that never fail to pop up and yell at me while I eat dinner.  Keep your mesh to yourself!

Scarred for life,
–Angela

Dear jcp_1MIDQkz4qOn@ebony-datingzone.com–

I can’t believe that I won a $25 gift card to JC Penney for doing nothing (but thinking and replying to SPAM).  How exciting!  Looking at your email address, is Ebony Dating Zone buying out JC Penney?  Is this how you can afford to give away the gift cards?

Digging free gift cards since 2005,
–Angela

Dear Mrs Flore Kawan–

Your story about contracting a chronic illness on the way home from your husband’s funeral with your son broke my heart.  I cannot believe that after all that, you would be willing to share part of the fortune that your husband left for you, as long as I use a portion of it for charities in my country.  Imagine a woman from (was it Sierra-Leone or Abidjan? You mention both.) your country being so concerned about the welfare of citizens in my country when you have so much on your plate personally and nationally.  Well, you are in luck!  I’ll see your generosity and raise you some cash trunk boxes!  I will soon be depositing $8.3 million dollars into my checking account.  So, you can keep your money to use for the people of Sierra-Leone or Abidjan…or both!

Thanks for thinking of me,
–Angela

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