The following is an actual email exchange I had at work.
Coworker — Hi Team. How do I determine which [person on another team] will be working the following CR’s[…]?
Angela — Have you checked with [the other team]?
30 minutes later
Coworker — Yes, I did. Thanks Amanda.
Angela — *giant sigh*
Angela — I saved a piece of cake for you.
Brian — Oh.
Angela — You don’t want it?
Brian — What kind is it?
Angela — Slightly used. [holds out a slice of frostingless red velvet cake]
I wanna be a princess! I wanna be a princess! I wanna be a princess!
–sung by Dora repeatedly for 10 minutes straight, until…
*commotion, tears, and yelling*
I don’t wanna be a princess no more ’cause I keeped saying, ‘I wanna be a princess,’ and then I fell and busted my ear and need a bandaid now.
–Dora, our clumsy and logical lil girl
Minecraft — I think my butt is shrinking.
Me — Why do you say that?
Minecraft — Or maybe my legs are shrinking.
Ben — Why do you think your butt and legs are shrinking?
Minecraft — Because my pants are falling down.
Ben — Or you could be losing weight from playing football.
Minecraft — Yeah, I probably am shrinking from playing football.
Ben– [Angela’s] eaten more Asian food since she started dating me than she has in years.
Alan — Really?
Angela — Yeah, since my mom left. My other friends don’t want to eat it because they don’t know what it is.
Alan — Yeah, we eat some weird shit.
Angela — What’s green and white and purple and blue?
Minecraft — What?
Angela — Minecraft falling down the stairs.
Minecraft — [hysterical laughter] That really does happen.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Ben — What’re you going to pay with? The money in your wallet that someone stole all the money out of at Chuck E. Cheese?
Lego– At least they didn’t take my library card!
Someone — That’s not what [One Direction looks] like anymore.
11-yr-old Girl — No, that’s when they were young and pretty.
“I need to go straighten myself up. A and B are going to be here soon and I look like I feel off the back of a hayride.”
–Erica, who, in her defense, had been sick for a week
“Have you guys ever bungee jumped? I just remember the guy going, ‘Okay, on the count of three. One. Two. Th–‘ And I was like, ‘Hold on here, buddy. I’ll do my own counting, I think.'”