It’s barely the end of January and my calendar is filled through the end of June. How is that possible?! As I move through the days, I can’t figure it out, and yet, I keep packing more stuff onto the calendar. It’s no wonder I keep having nightmares about people being mad at me for missing the ball on something that I either promised to do and never did or something that they volunteered me to do without my input.
Christmas was fun, though. Ben and I made the most of the time that we did have with the kids, our families, and our friends. I was on call the week of New Year’s, but it was actually quiet enough that I was able to get out of the house without having to bust out my laptop and work. It was a belated Christmas miracle!
Since then, I’ve had difficulty getting motivated to do any of the things I need to do, and I finally realized that it was because I was depressed…even though I’m on anti-depressants. When I went to the doctor a week ago for a med check, she found that I had been doing well in alot of areas (cholesterol, blood pressure, asthma), but could tell right away that my depression had worsened since she last saw me. After talking about my options, she encouraged me to see a psychiatrist who could monitor my depression more closely, but I told her that I don’t have the time or money for that. She upped my meds a little (since I was taking the bare minimum anyway). I will see her again in a week and am feeling much better.
It’s a difficult thing to stay on top of brain meds. You have to keep track of where you are, what you think might have led to that, and know where you want to go. Then, you have to keep track of your progress as well as any regression that occurs. If you’re at the point where you need brain meds, this can be especially difficult to do. I’m an old pro at this, though, so I like to think that I’m a bit self-aware in that aspect.
Since increasing my dosage, I am a bit more motivated to get things done. I haven’t gotten into a regular workout plan yet, but I do work out while I brush my teeth and while I watch tv. It’s just short spurts, but I suppose it adds up. I’ve gotten worse at portion control since increasing my meds, but have been eating healthier in general. So, I still haven’t found the best route for me yet, but I’ll keep trying. Ben got a Bowflex this month and has been doing the 20-minute exercises three times a week. It’s helped remind me that if he can find one hour a week to workout, I can too. The cat has also been sick and we are on the second round of liver meds to try and get her better. Having to make time to care for her reminds me that even though I may not want to workout or always eat well, it’s important to take care of myself. At least, this is what I’m telling myself.
Plus, I need to get healthy to gear up for all of the stuff going on in the coming months. Right now, we’re planning on getting our finances aligned to buy a house, we have a wedding to go to in February, Minecraft’s birthday, Spring Break with the kids, we’re getting married, other family members’ birthdays, the reception, tons of work, being on call, finding and buying a house once the financial stuff is good, and (hopefully) packing and moving. Those are the highlights, but plenty of smaller events are sprinkled in throughout the weeks and weekends.
I used to rely on staying busy as a distraction from depression, but now, it just wears me out. Ben has been great at trying to remind me that I need to rest when I need to rest. I hate giving in and being lazy even when I know he’s right, but if I keep pushing myself, I know I’ll just end up burned out and on the couch for weeks or months. Right now, our big project is getting the kids’ furniture set up in their rooms. Santa gave them great gifts, but did not give us the time and energy it takes to put the furniture together. This will really be the first weekend since Christmas that they’ll be at our house long enough to use any of it, though. So, it’s important that we get everything set up so that they can enjoy the furniture before they outgrow it.
I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, but work, life, and laziness continued to distract me until I read this interesting article on non-dishware things that can be cleaned in the dishwasher. Blew my mind! Also, I don’t quite know how it inspired me to write this post, but, you know, such is life. Either way, you can thank me when all your stuff is clean.