Random Saturdays – Junk Mail Replies #4

I’ve noticed recently that I’m getting less SPAM in my SPAM folder and more real emails in there.  Those of you with Gmail know what I mean, I’m sure.  Most of the stuff in there is stuff that should probably be in the “Promotions” tab of my inbox, but there are still some SPAMmy gems worthy of my time and attention.

Dear GOV.GODWIN EMEFELE.–

Imagine my excitement when I received your email regarding my cash trunk boxes value $8.3 million!  I’ve heard of Nigerian scams in the past, but you have allayed my fears with your reassurance that MR DAVID WALTER THE DIPLOMAT is waiting at an airport in Oregon for my call even though he doesn’t know what’s in the boxes.  I also appreciate your advice not to tell him what’s in the boxes when I call so that he won’t run away with my money.  Now, I know this email is legitimate.  I hope I can figure out how to spend all that money.

Soon to be rich,
–Angela

Dear Keeling–

I hope that I’m addressing you properly;  your email didn’t quite have a name on it.  You did get my attention with your offer – “Just a big discount!”  I love nothing more than a big discount!  You must also know that I don’t consider anything less than 75% off as clearance.  When you say, “Online sale up to 80% off!Wholesale prices.Looking forward to your visit!” it piques my interest.  However, I also wonder if your email provider charges more for spaces than it does letters and punctuation.  I don’t see spaces between any of your statements.  Then again, it could be that your marketing and/or advertising company charges you out the ear for spacing.  Hey, anything to keep operating costs down so you can pass the savings on to me, right?

S p a c e f u l l y  y o u r s ,
–Angela

Dear David Morgan–

I didn’t realize that applying for a loan was as easy as sending an email to Citi Financial Service’s Gmail account.  Below, I shall answer your questions to determine if I need your loan with an affordable interest rate of 3%.

Are you desperately in need of a loan?  Nope
Have you been denied of a loan from your bank or any institution?  Nope
Do you need financial assistance?  Don’t we all?
Do you need a loan to pay off your bills or buy a home?  Can you get a loan to pay off your student loan?  I do need a loan to buy a home.  Then there’s my car loan.  Ugh, too many loans.
Do you want to have a business of your own and you need a Loan for your financial demands?  Do you charge extra for Loans as opposed to loans?  What are “financial demands”?  Do you need a Loan for typing school so that you know when to hit Return/Enter at the end of a line?

Well, after taking that helpful quiz, looks like I don’t really need a loan afterall.

Better luck next time,
–Angela

Dear Match.com–

Thanks for adding me to your email list!  I like how you opened with, “Are you online?”  It really made me ponder things.  Am I online?  What is online?  Are any of us really online?  I don’t have time to look at photos of singles, what with all thing thinkin’ I’m doing.

Hmm,
–Angela

Dear Mesh  Consumer Injury Legal Center–

Thank you for trying to include me in your class action lawsuit, but (un)fortunately, I have not had complications with a mesh implant.  Furthermore, your tv commercials frighten the bejeebus outta me.  Seeing your name in my inbox brought on PTSD from your commercials that never fail to pop up and yell at me while I eat dinner.  Keep your mesh to yourself!

Scarred for life,
–Angela

Dear jcp_1MIDQkz4qOn@ebony-datingzone.com–

I can’t believe that I won a $25 gift card to JC Penney for doing nothing (but thinking and replying to SPAM).  How exciting!  Looking at your email address, is Ebony Dating Zone buying out JC Penney?  Is this how you can afford to give away the gift cards?

Digging free gift cards since 2005,
–Angela

Dear Mrs Flore Kawan–

Your story about contracting a chronic illness on the way home from your husband’s funeral with your son broke my heart.  I cannot believe that after all that, you would be willing to share part of the fortune that your husband left for you, as long as I use a portion of it for charities in my country.  Imagine a woman from (was it Sierra-Leone or Abidjan? You mention both.) your country being so concerned about the welfare of citizens in my country when you have so much on your plate personally and nationally.  Well, you are in luck!  I’ll see your generosity and raise you some cash trunk boxes!  I will soon be depositing $8.3 million dollars into my checking account.  So, you can keep your money to use for the people of Sierra-Leone or Abidjan…or both!

Thanks for thinking of me,
–Angela

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Random Saturdays – Junk Mail Replies #3

It’s been awhile, but back by one demand, here are more Junk Mail Replies!  In case you forgot how this works, I occasionally use this blog to reply to SPAM.  I noticed that I’ve been getting fewer SPAM comments to my blog, but one of my email accounts still provides me plenty of fodder for this, by golly!

Dear Rolex-Replicas–

Your deal on watches sounds great!  I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw that I could save thousands on exact replicas of Rolex watches.  I believe you stated, “Even a Jewler Can’t Tell Our Replicas apart from the real thing.” Did you get a jeweler to proofread your ad as well, perchance?

Eagerly awaiting clarification,
–Angela

Dear SexKitten–

It made me ever so happy to hear that you found my Facebook profile and thought that I was cute enough to chat with online!  I believe every word you say because you have sent numerous emails in order to communicate just how eager you are to chat with me and have apparently setup multiple IM accounts for just this purpose.  What I find really flattering is how you are so excited to chat with me, that none of your emails include punctuation or capitalization.  Even so, I will have to pass up the chance to chat with you.  Between all of the commas, periods, capitalization, and correct spelling that I do, I simply do not have time to better make your acquaintance.

Making an A in English Composition,
–Angela

Dear New-Canadian-Meds–

That was so nice of you to send me an email promising to show me “the truth that there is no interdependence between medicine quality and its price”.  I knew you were trustworthy because the subject line in the email was so long.  It’s uncanny how you knew just which medicines I needed most, too.  I’m not sure what I was thinking using insurance to help pay for my prescriptions when I could have been getting meds from you this whole time!  Sure, I’m allergic to Amoxicillin, but who can say no to a bottle of antibiotics for 52¢?

Frugally yours,
–Angela

Dear Dentures Center–

My dentist clearly said something to you that she has never said to me.

Scared toothless,
–Angela

Dear Asian Hotties–

If I want to find a hot Chinese woman, then all I have to do is look in the mirror.

I’m so funny,
–Angela

Dear SlutFinder–

Please read my email response to Asian Hotties.

Can’t stop laughing at myself,
–Angela

Dear ADHD Treatment–

Why the hell is your email so long?  Ain’t nobody got focus for that.

Sincer

 

Random Saturdays – Junk Mail Replies

I noticed recently that I had a bunch of unread messages in the bulk email folder.  I’ll be the first to admit that I am not always prompt about replying to emails, texts, or people standing in front of me (while that last bit is meant to be funny, it’s also, unfortunately, true.)  I decided that the most productive way to handle this would be a rapid-fire response to the bulk emails on my blog, based solely on the senders, subjects, and two-line previews.  Here we go!

Dear Proactiv,

I’m Asian.  My skin is flawless.

Thanks anyway,
Angela

Dear Canadian-Pharmacy,

You say that you will ship my meds “DESCRETELY”, but you haven’t figured out Caps Lock or spelling.  Please forgive me for not trusting you.

Je suis désolée,
Angela

Dear Pamela Anderson,

What?

Yours truly,
Angela

Dear Credit Report Center,

I notice that there is no content in your message about my free credit score.  You’re ahead of the game.

Thank you ever so kindly,
Angela

P.S. — Is an empty credit score better than that of a homeless ghost/Nick Miller?

Dear SeniorPeopleMeet Dating,

I have forwarded your email on to my mom.

Keep on trucking,
Angela

Dear Angelina Jolie,

Your email looked alot like the one from Pamela Anderson.  I didn’t realize you were friends.  Is she your wet nurse?

Sincerely,
Angela

Dear Vydox Male Enhancement,

Sure, I’ll try a free 14 day sample of your product.  To clarify, how much growth can I expect if I start with nothing?

Your friend,
Angela

Well, that was great!  I feel like I really accomplished something.  I’m going to go call my mom to find out if she’s given up Cougardom for good.  Happy Saturday, everyone!