When we moved into the new building at work, my team assumed we’d have access to squirrels. We planned to train one to be our official Attack Squirrel. We named him Chompers. We had plans.
When we got to the new building, Erica began putting food outside of our windows to try to sweeten up Chompers and train him faster. The squirrels were so cute with their wee li’l hands and their chubby little tummies, but, man alive, were those squirrels dumb. Chompers repeatedly ran away from the food we laid out for him as the crows swooped in behind him to eat the food. (To clarify, we just call every squirrel we see, “Chompers”. I know it’s racist, but all squirrels look the same to us.) We tried to scare the crows away by banging on the tinted glass windows when they came up, but they quickly learned that we were all bark and no bite.*
Eventually, Erica gave up on Chompers and decided to try to make the crows her minions. Besides, the intelligence of crows is well documented. Erica began leaving Fritos and snacks for the crows, who didn’t waste time eating the food. Ron named them, “Squawky” . (We’re all crow racists, too.) Over time, Erica began to worry about Squawky’s salt intake. So, she bought a box of generic Cheerios to make sure he had a heart healthy diet. Squawky doesn’t show his appreciation much, but he has definitely come to expect food from us. He taps on the windows if there’s no food outside. When we go outside to walk to the cafe, he’ll squawk at us. I’m not sure if it’s his way of saying, “Hey guys! Good morning!”, “I’m hungry! Feed me, Seymour!”, or “Caw! I’m a bird! Caw!” I just know that it’s very entertaining.
When Erica was out recently, Squawky came by to get some food. He flew away when he realized there was none. I went outside to drop off some generic Cheerios as Squawky complained the whole time to one of the ducks. When I came back to my desk, Squawky flew down to get his Cheerios. Some of the Cheerios fell by goose poop, and he steered clear of it. He knew there was plenty of safe cereal to eat. Good ol’ Squawky! Such a smart sonofagun! Ron said, “I got you to like Squawky. Now, I just gotta get you to like the geese.” I explained that that would never happen because I can admire a crow’s intellect while being annoyed with its intellect, but geese are pure evil.
Unlike the geese, Squawky doesn’t try to attack innocent civilians. He also doesn’t leave poop the size of a chihuahua all over the sidewalks. Unlike Chompers, Squawky entertains us with his rapid adaptations to our food games. Much like us, he talks all the time about nothing in particular. So, even though we had high hopes for Chompers, Erica and I are okay with having a smart crow that politely asks for generic Cheerios. You take what you can get sometimes.
*Don’t go up against crows unless you hide your identity. They never forget. Ever.