Amanda and I haven’t actually had a chance to celebrate our birthdays together this year. When we do, I’m sure we’ll make stupid jokes that I can record on this blog for posterity’s sake. Until then, here’s a peek at one of the birthday cards I sent her.
Artist’s rendering of true events
I bet you wish you had paid as much attention to handwriting and art in the 2nd grade as I did.
Hope she doesn’t see this post before I see her, but either way, it’s a Buddy Momma birthday today. One day, we’re gonna make our own greeting cards so that everyone can share in the joy and wonder with which we spruce up store-bought cards. The quotes and art are based on actual events. No spoons were harmed in the making of this greeting card. Happy Birthday, Buddy Amanda!
Mother’s Day just passed and Father’s Day is coming soon. This got me thinking about greeting cards. Specifically, it got me thinking about the greeting card company that Amanda and I wanted to start over a decade ago. I’m going to refer to that greeting card company as EP Greeting Cards. EP was going to be a greeting card company for the real world. What kind of card do you send to a dad who you barely know when he goes to prison? How do you tell your mom that you hope she has a great Mother’s Day even though you assume you won’t be seeing her for a few weeks/months because you haven’t heard from her in a few weeks/months? Where are the birthday cards for estranged siblings? Why aren’t there cards for people for whom you wish no harm and hope are doing well, but do not want in your life on a daily basis?
Amanda and I always joked about it, but we really felt that we needed cards like these for all the non-traditional relationships that people seem to have. I’ve seen some similar lines of cards since then, but they are either too funny or too vague to be completely appropriate. These are the types of cards that Amanda and I end up giving to our friends, families, coworkers, loved ones, etc. A few years ago, I told some coworkers about EP Greeting Cards. They loved the idea! They had more suggestions for us: your uncle’s anniversary to his husband even though they can’t legally marry (hopefully not for much longer…) and haven’t actually admitted that they’re married because they’re older and society taught them not to proudly admit who they are, your niece in high school that is having a baby, people who are like family but are not related through blood or law, and cards to let people know that they stink without making them cry.
One day, Amanda and I may really follow through on this idea. Until then, please enjoy (without stealing) some of the ideas below:
Inside: You finally found a deodorant that works!
Outside: Dear Valentine,
Even though you have absolutely no interest in me…
Inside: …I’m happy that I can afford to buy chocolate and booze to dull the pain. Hope you have a great Valentine’s Day with someone who is the complete opposite of me!
Outside: You are cordially invited to our White Trash Family Reunion
Inside: Looking forward to eating so much that we feel like Romans!
Outside: Sorry I stabbed you,…
Inside: …but your views on gun control laws really pissed me off. (includes pre-paid prison stamp and coupon for a lawyer)
Outside: Merry Christmas, Mom & Dad! Since you won’t allow me in your house…
Inside: …I figured that sending a card would be appropriate. Afterall, even Santa has to be inside the house to drop off gifts.