Random Saturdays – Work Jerks

(I just realized that I never published this post last week, which works out well because I’m not sure what to write about this week.)

I recently went to the dentist for a cleaning.  I told Ben that I was a bit nervous about this appointment because it hasn’t been long enough since my traumatic root canal.  I told him that if the dentist told me that I need more work done, I’d just let my teeth fall out and give up on it all.  He consoled me by reminding me that I could always get implants.  He meant dental implants, but I just told everyone at work that he wanted me to get implants, knowing they would assume I meant breast implants.  I laughed alot and he turned beet red alot.  As my BFF, Erica jumped on board and told people she wished that she could have my implants.  Good times for all!

As it turns out, I don’t need implants (dental or otherwise), but I do need more dental work.  I have sealants that need to be replaced with fillings because I clench my teeth too much when I sleep.  This is why I need crowns (and possibly root canals) too.  I tried using night guards, but they bother my teeth and gums and don’t last long.  I can’t afford to pay $30 every 2 months on dental guards.  Once I get all of my dental work done, the dentist will fit me with a dental guard specifically molded to my teeth, but in the meantime, I’m stuck with clenching, but no pain or dental guards and lots of pain.  First world problems, right?

So, why is it that I’m clenching so much that my entire jaw is falling apart?  I don’t really know, but I like to blame it on jerks at work.  That’s right.  I’m blaming my dental problems on jerks.  I’m blaming my painful root canal on the guy that wanted me to assign work to a big boss guy who may or may not have been out of the country at the time.  This same jerk wanted me to assign the big boss guy’s secretary to something else.  I asked if he could please double check and let me know who would be able to actually do all of this work and he told me that I was “waisting” his time.  Unless he was in the middle of an English Language and Usage class, I seriously doubt that I was “waisting” his time.

I’m blaming my jacked up sealants on another jerk.  I was trying to assign work to someone, but I needed to make sure that person would have all of the info needed to do the work.  This included a way to check to make sure that the work went through properly.  When I asked the guy who wrote the instructions for this work to give me the QA steps, he turned all jerkface on me.  Apparently, this night’s jerk had 45 minutes to argue with me, but didn’t have time to answer my questions because his project was due in “TWO WEEKS”.  Eventually, his boss spent 30 minutes writing instructions for that and a few other things that Jerk Face told me were impossible to do.  Also of note, this project due in “TWO WEEKS” was actually due last September.  It was extended into spring of this year.  Then, he forgot about the project until someone’s boss’s boss apparently asked about the status of the project.  You can’t even imagine what little sympathy I have for this jerk.

My favorite jerk of late was the one that called me at 2 am to have me extend two maintenance windows for two different things, “just for starters” because he might actually need more time than that and he’d call me back later if he did.  Thirty minutes later, I got a call from someone telling me that the work was complete and I could shorten the windows (something that doesn’t happen).  The same jerk that had me extend these windows, wanted me to schedule two things the next day.  When he didn’t answer the questions I asked so that I could do something to make his job easier, I scheduled the work without his answer.  He later asked someone else to answer my question, so I fixed my work.  Then, he told me that this would all need to be rescheduled for the next night (which is not as easy as it sounds).  After I finished that an hour later, the jerk told me that this stuff would probably need to be rescheduled for the following night, and requested that I “stand by”.  He never said how long I was supposed to stand by, but I didn’t stand by at all.  The next morning, I got an email from this jerk finally answering a question of mine that had since become completely irrelevant.  This guy is supposed to be one of our better employees and is in charge of one of our most important customers.  If you only knew, believe me, you’d be a clenchin’ yer teeths, too!  He also contacted my team a week later to have all of that rescheduled again, even though it might need to be rescheduled again after that.  Yup.

I’m not sure which of my teeth problems to blame on the last jerk.  Maybe I’ll blame him for the headaches that I sometimes get from teeth clenching.  No, nevermind.  Scratch that.  I’m going to reassign blame to him for my allergic reaction to antibiotics that I had for my root canal.  No, wait!  He can have the blame for something that may or may not happen tonight or tomorrow or the next day.  Or maybe not.  Maybe he can’t have any of the blame.  Or he can have all of it.  Or some of it.  Or none of it.

Ugh.  Work jerks!  Bah!  Boo!  Flibberty gibbert!  At least stupid jerks provide me with the job security needed to pay for all these teeth problems.

Random Saturdays – Week 1 of the Miraculous Relationships 21-Day Meditation Challenge

As I mentioned in a previous post, I signed up for the 21-Day Meditation Challenge this month.  The RQ Babes always say that if you think that you are something, that you want something, that you can do something, etc., then The Universe will ask, “ARE YOU SURE?!”

After the Hay House World Summit in June, I got back into a regular meditation habit and was working on other spiritual endeavors.  The high started to wear off about the time that moving stress took over me.  During the moving stress, I began listening to Eat, Pray, Love again, in a brilliant effort to keep my spiritual learning momentum going.  I LOVE Italy.  I have never been, but I love it nonetheless.  So, I listened to the first third of her book devouring her descriptions of her experiences in Italy in much the same manner as I have been known to devour Italian food.  I knew that India was next, and even though I remembered being surprisingly delighted at that part of the book when I listened to it before, I still felt kinda like:

Eating – Check! Praying – I’m out.
(Gif Credit: http://kailz-h.tumblr.com/)

The Pray part of the book started about the same time that my meditation challenge began.  I interpreted this as The Universe encouraging me to do the meditation challenge.  Every morning, I’d get an email from Deepak Chopra and Oprah telling me what the meditation lesson would be.  My schedule’s weird and so am I, so I would do the daily practice at night instead of at the start of my day.

Day 1 – The challenge started with, “I am open to the presence of miracles.”  Cool, I would keep that in mind as I went through the day, and then I’d come home and do the lesson.  Of course, that’s the day that I got into an argument with a stranger at a Redbox.

Day 2 – I had difficulty remembering the lesson.  Something about being a soul?  A good soul?  That night, I read the email again.  “I am a radiant spiritual being.”  I had a good meditation that night, but still forgot the lesson the next day.  Even typing this, I had to look at the email to remember what the lesson was.  At the end of my work day, I got into an email argument with someone.  Well, he argued.  I gave up because I have such little respect for him that I don’t care.  Except that I did care.  I kept thinking about it and then had to remind myself that it doesn’t matter and he’s a jerk and nobody likes him and that’s really sad and though I wanted to say something to make him feel bad about himself, what I actually wanted was for him to get some perspective, calm down, become responsible, and learn to play nice with others because I am…an enlightened being?  I didn’t even sit down to eat dinner until after 10 pm that night, so I didn’t do my meditation, not the formal Deepak/Oprah one, anyway.  Maybe I’d double up the next day…

Days 3 & 4 – Doubled up on my meditations before I went to work.  One was about me being a miracle of life and the other was something about loving myself in order to love others.  I think we’re going into the self love and self esteem part of the meditations, and that’s always difficult for me.  When I got to work, my boss asked how I was doing, knowing about the argument I had the night before because she spent the morning arguing with the guy, too.  I replied, “I’m good.  I’ve been meditating.  I’m a damn miracle of life.”  I kept trying to think about the meditation lesson during the day, but I was tired and distracted and didn’t really believe the words that I was telling myself anyway.

Days 5-7 – I only remember that they all included me having to love myself and the frustration of that, combined with my ongoing headache, led to me spending the weekend depressed and exhausted.

At this point, the meditation challenge isn’t going well.  I’m going to keep at it;  I only have two weeks to go.  This self-esteem crap is something I haven’t had since I realized there was a world outside of my home and learned that that world didn’t like me very much.  So, it stands to reason that self-esteem isn’t something that I could become Super Number One at having or practicing (or whatever the hell you do with self-esteem) in three weeks or less.  I assume that you have to bust yourself up in order to put yourself back together again, kind of like what they do in the military, but with less physical activity and with even more crying.  In that sense, I suppose it’s more like kindergarten or birthdays or Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.  There is a strong military tradition on my dad’s side of the family and a long line of Harry Potter books on my side of the family.  So, even if this meditation challenge doesn’t leave me relationally enlightened, I will have at least tried.

Random Saturdays – I Dare You To Meditate

On the way to work on Monday, I got into an argument with a guy while returning Redbox movies. He was mad at me because he thought I should have pulled into the parking lot further so that his truck wouldn’t stick out in the street. I was upset that he didn’t seem to care that I was waiting on a guy to finish walking in front of me. A little girl around the age of 10 or 12 was there to hear the whole argument, except for when she covered her ears, which was most of the time. I refrained from yelling, cussing, or personal attacks until the point where he called me an idiot after I walked away. I told him that he was an idiot and a jerk for being so inconsiderate to me, the guy crossing the street, and for doing all of this in front of his daughter. Then, he made a vulgar sexual gesture at me, right in front of this little girl, because that’s how you win an argument at a Redbox.

I was upset with him, but I was more disappointed in myself for letting him get to me. Why didn’t I take the high road? Just because I didn’t yell, cuss, and flail wildly doesn’t mean that I handled the situation well. I tried to calm down by thinking about how this incident wouldn’t matter 10 years from now, or even tomorrow. I thought about how aggressive that guy was driving before he even pulled up behind me in the parking lot, which might indicate that he’s just an angry and aggressive person anyway. He’ll have to go through life as a jerk and I’ll have to go through life as…

…me.

And that’s when the tears started.

I cried the rest of the 45 min drive to work before calming down just before getting out of the car and walking into the building. Within 15 min of sitting at my desk, I was in tears again. Thankfully, I wasn’t snot crying. It was just a steady stream of hopelessness and disappointment. I distracted myself with work and eventually stopped crying.

I kept reminding myself that the start of the 21-Day Meditation Challenge was that day. When I got home, I could meditate and really get some perspective, rather than just distracting myself enough to function for eight hours. When I signed up for the challenge, I really just meant to continue working on my own meditation practice. Ironically, this challenge’s focus is on relationships.

Because this is a Deepak Chopra challenge, I felt that I didn’t need to worry about it being 21 days of learning how to get a boyfriend/husband. Still, I am reluctant to tell people that I am participating, in case they think it’s some desperate hippy dippy attempt of mine to rope in a man. Also, there are some lines from a song called “1000 Times” on Sara Bareilles‘s new album that describe exactly what’s going through my muddled head about 50% of the time nowadays:

In another life I wouldn’t need to
Console myself as I resign to
Release you

When you relate most to those words in a song about an unrequited crush, then you probably shouldn’t sign up for a 21-day challenge to get a boyfriend. I already knew this, though. What I hoped to gain from the challenge was a more disciplined meditation practice and some perspective on how I interact with others.

I’m not a particularly kind or good person, not bad, but not kind or good. I don’t adequately express my love and gratitude for the people that I love most in the world. I live in my head so much, that it’s hard for me to remember that people can’t just sense how much they mean to me. I’m alone so much (and like it that way) that I forget that I have to speak to other people when we’re spending time together. I’m so grateful for the people in my life that I feel like my heart could burst at any moment and I weep when I think about it (as I am doing now while typing, so much crying today), so I don’t say anything because people don’t understand tears coupled with heart attacks is my way of saying, “I am immeasurably grateful to have you in my life!!!”

So, I was hoping that this meditation challenge could help me gain some insight into how better to deal with how much I love people vs. how difficult it is for me to be around people. Then, I had an argument with a stranger in front of his daughter. Apparently, I need to do this challenge because I need some clarity on my relationship with everyone in the entire world. I have always been an overachiever.