We do not have the kids this Thanksgiving (and I’m writing this post before Thanksgiving). It took longer than normal to figure out what we’d do for Thanksgiving this year because we didn’t have to figure out when we’d pick up the kids, what activities they had, what activities our friends and families had, and how to be as efficient with our time as possible so that everyone got to see the kids and nobody’s friends or families were forgotten. When we realized that we wouldn’t have the kids this year and that nobody had offered any solid plans for us to add to the calendar, we had no idea what to do with our time.
I had been talking to some friends about their different plans for the holiday and I read many articles in magazines and online about how to plan a stress-free Thanksgiving or how to deal with the stress of Thanksgiving. There are also plenty of articles on how to decorate, clean, and cook for Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving! I love that we, as a country, set aside a time to be grateful for anything and everything. If an alien visited the U.S. during Thanksgiving, though, how would we explain Thanksgiving? I mean, there’s history with Pilgrims and Native Americans and whatnot, but that would mean nothing to an alien. How do we explain how we celebrate Thanksgiving now? The obvious answer is that we’d compile a list of Must Dos and post it on the internet for all the aliens to read.
Thanksgiving Guide for Aliens
- Figure out when the most people are the most available. Is everyone off on Thanksgiving? Would meeting the weekend after work better? Does anyone have child custody, probation, or Mogwai time restrictions that must be followed?
- Find a location big (or small) enough to hold the available people. This could be someone’s house, a restaurant, or the neighbor’s backyard since they have a better landscaper than you and are out of town this week.
- Make a menu. This is really important because the timing of everything else depends on when the food will be ready to eat. My family always had Thanksgiving dinner. Ben’s family always had Thanksgiving lunch. I’ve even heard of Thanksgiving brunch. It really doesn’t matter as long as the person cooking and the person arranging the location for eating are on the same timetable. Everyone else can do whatever they want as long as they don’t make the person cooking wait to eat. It’s even better if everyone makes a little something so that no one person has to do all the work. I say this (a) having made entire Thanksgiving meals from scratch by myself because my perfectionist attitude and my tastebuds told me to and (b) my antidepressants now make me really unmotivated to do much of anything 90% of the time, despite my tastebuds.
- Cook, travel, gather, and eat. Don’t argue (or fight) over something dumb. This is a time to enjoy family, friends, and food. As long as you have a sliver of one of those, then you’re doing well. Don’t instigate arguments. Don’t be snarky. If someone says something snarky to you, ignore it. I always feel sorry for those people because they are bursting with so much negativity that it just spews from their mouths like stinky farts. Also, if you’re with your loved ones, then it’s safe to assume that they did not mean what they said in a way that would hurt you. They either have diarrhea of the mouth or it sounded better in their heads. Even if you know this person just likes to complain and pick arguments, consider it a mouth fart and be glad that you don’t mouth fart.
- Sleep. Watch the parade. Watch football. Play games. Eat way too much. Read. Go for a walk. Enjoy this time because it will be a memory in the past before you know it.
That’s my guide to Thanksgiving for aliens. There’s no need to thank me. I just like to volunteer out of the kindness of my heart to check things off the Alien Invasion Preparedness List.
H A P P Y T H A N K S G I V I N G !
Or Happy Random Thursday if you are not in the U.S.!