Random Saturdays – Am I an adult?

I think I’m an adult.  As far as my age goes, I’ve been an adult for awhile.  I’m relatively mature and responsible, I guess.  I’ve never felt like I was doing adulty things until recently.  All I ever talk about nowadays is work, the house, and the kids.  I’m so friggin’ adult now and it’s really weird.

Worse than that, I’m an old adult.  My mother-in-law recently had eye surgery and was telling us about all of these treatments she has to use for her eyes and for scars and whatnot.  I have to use those same things just so I can see and so that my skin doesn’t fall off of my face.  I get injured anytime I do anything, and I do mean anything.  I pulled a leg muscle walking around the couch.  A few weeks before that, I pulled the same muscle while walking upstairs.  WALKING!!!  I mean, come on!  I’m always tired and I’m always in pain.  I peek through the blinds when I hear people outside, trying to figure out if they’re messing with my lawn or the mailbox.  I am forgetful and easily confused.  I complain about anyone under the age of 35 who doesn’t have the exact same pop culture knowledge as I do.  I am an old, crotchety, and sickly adult.  I’m grateful that there’s an old folks home at the end of our street.  Ben and the kids have already promised to visit me when they have to admit me to the place in the next 10 years.  They’re so sweet!

Right now, my priorities include not screwing up at work, house training the puppy, working with the puppy on her food aggression, and unpacking the house.

Work – Ugh, work.  It’s killing my soul.  I hate my job so much right now.  Most everyone there does.  The company is just making some terrible decisions that are causing us all to work more for terrible results.  I need a new job, but I have too many other things going on right now.  There will be another round of layoffs before the end of the year, so my schedule might allow for some job searching soon enough.

House Training – She’s a puppy.  She’s about 4 months old.  She’s gotten so much better, but is scared of the new doggie door that we had to install after she broke the first one. Ahem  We’re still trying to get her not to pee out of excitement or submission the first time she sees you each day.

Food Aggression – My god.  She had shown no signs of food aggression other than gobbling her food down so quickly that she often chokes.  As a test, I stuck my hand in the puppy’s food bowl while she was eating, which you should be able to do if your dog has no food aggression.  She started with a growl and it just escalated from there.  The second day, she went absolutely nuts – biting, jumping, and scratching me.  Ben confirmed that she’s more aggressive with me than him.  I’ve read up on it and am going to try some behavioral training.  If there’s no improvement after a couple of months, we might need to consult an expert.  I don’t want to have to worry about the kids looking at her the wrong way while she’s eating and getting their faces chewed off because of some ingrained primal dog instinct.

Unpacking – Yes, we’re still unpacking.  Ben has been focused on getting our internet, cable, and electricity specified to our needs.  I’m focused on setting up the rest of the house.  Between work, injuries, and the Texas heat, I’m usually too exhausted or in too much pain to do much.  We did get the entryway halfway done this weekend.  So, that was pretty exciting.  I wanted to get it set up before the kids went back to school.  You can see my entryway inspirations on my Pinterest page.  I’ll post some photos once it’s all done.

Yeah, so that’s what I’ve been up to.  I also weigh more than I ever have in my life because I bounce between eating nothing and eating everything depending on my levels of stress, exhaustion, and tummy troubles.  The doctor told me she wants me to lose 10 lbs before my next check up.  I told her that I had too many other things to focus on right now and would deal with my weight later.  She told me again to lose 10 lbs before my next check up.  *sigh*  At least my blood pressure is great, right?  The little things do matter!

Random Saturdays — Fat Acceptance Movement

I recently read an interesting rebuttle to a blog post written by Carolyn Hall about her lack of understanding about the Fat Acceptance Movement.  What’s ironic is that I bumped the blog post that I was going to post this week in order to discuss these articles instead.  My blog post was going to be about my various states of health and weight, how I can’t quite figure out their exact relationship.

Before we go any further, please at least skim over The Militant Baker’s 6 THINGS THAT I UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE FAT ACCEPTANCE MOVEMENT.  It’s long, so I understand if you don’t want to read the entire thing, but it is a good read.  Also, it’s not about trying to make the masses like fat people more than skinny people.  (That’s what Carolyn Hall wrongly thinks it’s about, though.)

If you know me and/or have read my blog at all, then you should already know that I’m fat and unhealthy.  I will not lie and say that my weight has nothing to do with my health, or lack thereof.  However, my health is not entirely dependent upon my weight, and neither is anyone else’s.  My paternal grandmother and my mom have/had all of the health issues that I have and both are/were close to my height, but weigh/weighed 60 – 70 pounds less than me.  As of the writing of this article, I am 5’1″ and 171 lbs.  My BMI puts me at “obese”.  I am trying to lose about 15 pounds so that I can get back into the “overweight” range.  I’m not obsessing over calories or exercise, but I’m just trying to be aware of what I’m eating, how much I’m eating, and trying to get back into a regular workout routine.  The weight I want to get down to is not completely arbitrary.  I’ve just noticed that when I weigh 160 lbs or less, my health improves.  My asthma  and acid reflux don’t flare up as much, my joints aren’t as prone to hurting, and it’s a bit easier to exercise because I’m not trying to move quite as much mass with such a small frame.  Also, my clothes are fitting pretty tightly and I’m too cheap and lazy to go shopping for more clothes.  In my mind, t’s easier to just lose a few pounds and get a little healthier while I’m at it.  As an added bonus, I don’t have to starve myself or workout for two hours a day to reach that weight.  Staying in the 155 – 160 lbs area is manageable for me.  I can eat breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, desserts, etc. without feeling deprived.  I calorie count to maintain the weight only so that I will be more mindful of what I’m eating and because I know that I have emotional triggers that lead me to binge eat past the point of enjoyment as a means of simultaneous comfort and punishment for whatever reason(s) I am choosing to beat myself up with at that specific moment in time.

Note that I still want to be at a weight that is considered unhealthy because I am healthier at that weight.  For some people, 155 lbs would be too much weight and it would be too little weight for others.  It’s a good weight for me, though.  Like most people, this is what Carolyn Hall doesn’t seem to understand.  Most popular weight loss and exercise guides work hard to encourage the one-size-fits-all attitude of weight, eating, and exercising.  Livestrong.com is one of the most popular weight and exercise websites around (even after Lance Armstrong’s little legal setback awhile ago).  An article published on the site last year entitled “Super Morbid Obesity & Body Mass Index” gives the example of a healthy person of 5’7″ weighing between 121 – 153 lbs.  When I think of the people that I know who are 5’7″ and are at healthy weights for them, none of them weigh less than 150 pounds.  I could be wrong, and that’s fine, but 121 lbs seems like it is far too little to be considered as part of the most average of healthy weights for someone who is 5’7″.  Let’s not forget that for the sake of my health, I’m working to maintain a weight close to the weight of an obese person who is half a foot taller than me.  So, I could be biased or I could be normal.

All of the arguments I had in my head when reading Carolyn Hall’s article were addressed in the Militant Baker’s post.  My favorite line was, “The underlying issues include but are not limited to: economic inequality, mental illness, lack of education, a need for control, and other internal needs that may spur this coping mechanism.”  Also of note, this is not a movement of the She-Ra Man Haters Club.  These issues affect men, women, and children, which the Militant Baker also does a good job of addressing.  The Fat Acceptance Movement isn’t a Hate Skinny People Movement either.  The main point of the movement is just to say we should not judge ourselves and each other based on our weight.  Weight should not determine whether we like people or ourselves because there are more important factors that determine our quality of person.

Random Saturdays – Triggers

I don’t know about you, but I have some very strong emotional triggers.  Since I no longer spend most of my non-work time alone, I’m becoming very aware of my triggers.  There’s not much that I can do to avoid them, but I’m trying to be aware that some emotional/physical roller coaster of some sort has been triggered and that I need to stop it.  When you’re alone all the time, it doesn’t really matter.  It just means that you’ll spend the weekend sleeping on the couch, trying not to think about things at all until you can get back to the welcomed distraction that is work.  When you’re not alone, you have to be aware of these things because they will affect others and you will waste your time with your neuroses instead of enjoying the company of your loved ones.

Also, it’s alot easier to get your crap together for a few hours on a Saturday so you can enjoy an afternoon with your parents than it is to get your crap together every day so that you can make the most of your non-work time with people instead of enjoying the comfort of wallowing in your own self pity.  Who knew?

Here are some of my biggest triggers:

  1. Money — I have none.  I don’t usually spend it, so I don’t normally miss it.  I also don’t like people spending money on me;  it always makes me feel guilty.  I’m a grown ass woman with a damned job, so why should I mooch off of other people?  If I’m with a group of people participating in something, then it’s okay if I don’t fully participate so that I can save money.  My friends and family understand that I enjoy their company more than I enjoy doing things, per se.  Ben’s friends and family aren’t as familiar with my brand of crazy, though.  So, I can be rude and offensive and not partake in things, or I can let people pay for me to do things so that I can be part of the group.  It causes me alot of anxiety.  When I can, I try to pay for some or part of whatever it is so that I don’t have to feel like such a mooch, but I just can’t keep up with them in that sense.  Of all the people I know, it’s just Amanda and me that have this issue.  So, yeah, I realize that it’s completely irrational for money to cause so much anxiety for me for those reasons, but it does.
  2. Food — Okay, this one’s not as weird, but it’s still unhealthy.  Society’s materialistic standards, blah blah blah, I’m fat.  More than that, I’m very short and asthmatic.  So, my weight is tied very directly to my health.  Even if I overeat at just one meal, I can feel my gut pressing on my lungs, threatening to deprive my body of oxygen at any moment.  I don’t have any self control when it comes to food, so I only police myself by buying specific groceries and preparing specific meals so that I don’t have the opportunity to think about changing my meals.  This doesn’t work quite as well with Ben.  We went to the grocery store this week and the only produce we got was a small veggie tray that remains untouched in the fridge.  The rest of the $80 of groceries were mostly crackers, cookies, nuts, and frozen pizzas.  I’m a compulsive eater and can easily eat an entire meal without remembering that I’ve eaten at all if my asthma or acid reflux aren’t reminding me that I have.  I also grew up in the 80s with a mom from a Third World country.  So, I learned to eat whatever was on my plate, no matter how much it was or how sick it made me.  For the most part, I still do that today.  Even when I’m aware of what I’m doing, I can’t seem to stop.  When it comes to sweets, all bets are off!  I will knock down old ladies and children to get to German chocolate cake.  Don’t get me wrong;  I’ll apologize afterwards…when my belly is full of cake…So, I’m constantly thinking about what I have eaten, what I will eat, and what I wish I were eating, which makes me feel bad about myself, which makes me feel self-absorbed, which makes me feel guilty, which makes me depressed and anxious.  (For the record, beating up old ladies and kids makes me feel like that too.  I just think that those feelings are more appropriate for the situation.)
  3. Shopping for Clothes — Even just thinking about buying clothes gives me the heebie jeebies.  Once or twice a year, I can get in a mindset where I can put aside my hatred of myself to focus on my love of quality clothing at good prices.  The rest of the year, I just look at the holes that my thighs are wearing through my jean britches because my thighs are so fat and I pray that the jeans will win the fight for just a few more months while I eat a pint of ice cream to console myself.  (I’ll see your #2 and raise you a lactose intolerant.)
  4. Man, that last sentence did not paint a pretty picture in any way, did it?